Pele's Curse

I’m 71 years young and feel just like I could be 71. We shouldn’t have older people run the country and the reasons will become quite obvious after this tell-all blog revealing the life of a modern-day senior citizen. Old people think they know everything. We don’t! For some reason, Americans love to have old white fossils as their leaders but never ever a woman fossil. I think it’s because women scare us and the fear of women has been sung from the rooftops. This is a man’s world.

I used to disdain Denny’s restaurant but now, as a senior citizen, I love it! Denny’s give oldsters free stuff. In my college years, I would rather, drunkenly, eat green tainted hamburgers at 2:00 a.m. in some local joint than eat at Denny’s. One thing old people DO know, Denny’s is good. The waitress always calls you sweetie, no matter how obnoxious we become. They ask, “How are you today?” We answer with a long litany of our aches and pains. Pontification of problems is buried deep in our DNA and rises to the surface when a Denny’s employee says, “How are you today and what would you like?” Denny’s gave me a free Grand Slam breakfast for my birthday and a free veggie burger this week. Hell ya! While the president gets impeached, Andy gets free treats!

Another fact, seniors have toilet issues. When we have to go, we have to go...right NOW. Put us in the middle of nowhere without a convenient rest area in sight and that’s the time our old body parts release toxic wastes. A good example is my Hawaii story.

I need to ask for forgiveness from the Hawaiian goddess, Pele. I really don’t know if what I did is an infraction against the rules of the goddess or not, but is better to be safe rather than to be sorry. Let me explain. Pele can be a harsh mistress (Not that I would know about that. Being married and also having a mistress would be way too overwhelming). Anyway, the legend is any Hawaiian Island visitor that takes home a souvenir that is part of the Hawaiian landscape (such as lava, seashells, Hawaiian vestal virgins, etc, etc, etc), the visitor will be cursed by Pele. People have actually sent back items after experiencing misfortune once they returned home. I really don’t know about the vestal virgins as they could be quite expensive to UPS.

On my last day of a trip to the Big Island, I overate at a local bar. Freshly caught ahi tuna can even cause colitis boy (that’s me) to overdo it. Top that off with a locally brewed lager and you have the perfect scenario for an intestinal tidal wave. I really should know better, but as an elderly male, good food and brew is a carnal temptation that even the most strong-willed can succumb to much less an old pansy-ass like myself.

Nearly 15 minutes after leaving a local pub near the Big Island’s volcano, a personal volcanic eruption was brewing internally that would mirror any eruption ever experienced in Hawaii. Looking out the car window, I spied a lava field and yelled to the driver, “Stop! I have to go and I have to go right now.”

Obviously, she realized the urgency and backed up to let me out. With my buttcheeks clenched together, I hobbled out to my private lava porta-potty and let 'er rip. I was thinking the entire time, if I tumbled backward, lava cinders would become a permanent fixture in my buttcheeks that even the love of my life for fifty years would not be able to pick out.

Well, you probably see my dilemma. If taking home lava rock is cursed by Pele, what is leaving a deposit and my favorite pair of undies (Tommy Bahamas) on her lava field considered? So far so good. Since arriving home, nothing has happened that I would construe as a curse. Actually, I have been feeling pretty darn good. Who knows? Maybe Pele appreciates giving back natural fertilizer to the land. As we speak, a tiny seed is bursting to life in my poo pile and someday will become a majestic banyan tree. Always look on the bright side of life and always be kind.