Dear AZ Intruders

Hi everyone, my name is Mrs. Rattle Snake. That's rattle with two t’s. We have lived in this desert since before you humans even were a thought. In fact, we have lived on Earth before humans existed.

We started to evolve 90 to 100 million years ago while humans, a mere 200,000 years ago. Newcomers like you seldom last long in the scheme of things. As a species your ability to coexist with other creatures is poor. A trait not envied by even the lowly earthworm. The earthworm, I should mention, is envious of all. Very low self-esteem.

I've recently read the humans are very worried in Green Valley about snakes taking over the area. I call Bull Snake. A little reptile humor for you earthlings. I guess, Andy, you're wondering how I'm able to call. This would have been impossible in yesteryear with the rotary phone, but with the advent of the iPhone a little flick of our agile tongue and wallah. We never could let our fingers do the walking in the yellow pages, but now information is a tongue flick away. If you ever want to be happy for the rest of your life, make a scaly snake your wife. What's amazing as human technology evolves, human beings regress. Too much of a good thing for an unevolved creature.

I've read in Next Door Canoa (an app mostly for the simple-minded) that the humans want us expelled into the desert interior or guillotined by a well-placed hoe blade. Talking about hoes, your mama is a hoe. Smelly old white hoe. Betcha this snake humor is tickling your funny bone. The old geezer who wrote let the serpent strike the hoe blade a few times and then off with his head, can kiss my reptile ass. He also interpreted that serpents are associated with Satan. He must have gotten that from the silly book written many eons ago. The gentleman could learn a lot more from national geographic than that old fairy tale. Seems like technology would've wised them up, but nope.

"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when

you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

A snake would never say something so stupid because everyone knows eternal knowledge is gained from sucking down a tasty packrat, not an apple. Apples keep the doctors away but do nothing about intelligence.

Looking at the human future, things don't look good. Humans don’t get along with anything or anybody. I figure a couple hundred years (being generous) you won't be on the planet anyway. Sayonara assholes. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. He who hisses last hisses best.