Too Fat for Me

I've been doing this laying around thing for eighteen-months due to my new bionic knee and the COVID pandemic. I swam an hour a day for six of those months but other than that, I’m not doing a whole lot of exercise. I have three alarms that indicate I should drastically cut food intake.

1. None of my clothes fit. Well, at least my pants don’t fit. This can be extremely annoying when you go out and about. Oh wait a minute, I haven’t been anywhere in a long time and my wife and dog could care less if I wear workout pants. One size fits all no matter how obese you become.

2. Self pics make me look like a distressed manatee. Fat upon fat as I wallow through day to day life. It’s just not a pretty picture and without a decrease in food intake, it will get a lot worse. I bravely got on the scale and witnessed that I was at a new lifetime fatness high of 234 lbs. The time is right for action. If you ever have been a fan of Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life”, the obese character who explodes after eating a disgustingly huge meal should be a deterrent for all.

3. Last but not least, where in the hell is my wiener? I look down when I’m going pee pee and I can’t see my wiener. I am so fat my aiming device can’t be seen. If you want to irritate the one you live with, a missed target by the toilet is unappreciated. What the hell can a manatee body do? Is it my fault that milkshakes and sausage McMuffins have obliviated my aimer. So not to be an alarmist, this is the final straw. No more goodies, it is time for action. I am ready.

There is one more reason for this drastic change of lifestyle, JAMES D. KNOWLTON!!! My old business partner lost 53 lbs. in the last year and a half. That, sports fans, is an achievement. The older you get, the harder it is to not be a fatty 2x4. Getting fat is easy but getting in shape can be a royal pain.

My adventure officially began in mid-September. In this corner, wearing elastic shorts and weighing in at a frightening 234 lbs., is none other than Andrew J. Lukomski. My goodness getting obese is way too easy. When I was 40 years old, I went north of 200 lbs. and have been either north, norther, or northiest ever since.

My plan of attack is simple. Taking my cues from the successful WWJD, no that doesn't mean what would Jesus do, that's what would Jamie do. Eating less and writing everything you put in your mouth down was his road to success. I was really hoping that I could just take a pill, nap through the winter, and wake up fit and trim. The success rate for bears is extremely high, except bears don't do drugs. The thought of hibernation is even better than gorge and puke.

My goal was to lose a pound a week with limited exercise. COVID eliminated going to the gym and I felt swimming wasn't very safe. Some of the elderly feel invincible and still enjoy dine-in food, drink, and follow their own COVID guidelines. Hell yeah, eat, drink and be merry. This is America and our freedoms should not be hindered by some Chinese virus. ”America, America God shed its grace on thee.” I think I'm better off in self-quarantine because I have no idea what my fellow seniors are up to. So, my exercise of choice is walking. Jamie said he walked over to his neighbors for good scotch and a cigar. That's out for me because my local acquaintances do none of the above. He lives in a better neighborhood. One good thing is my new fatness didn't come from alcohol as I seldom or never drink. The pandemic kept me away from alcoholic friends and after a while, I lost interest. This is a modern phenomenon for those who are acquainted with me. Occasionally, a drunk neighbor stops over and goes on and on about shit I could care less about. This makes me pleased that I stay out of the sauce. Best of all, the alcohol calories are not going to impede my goals. When I was younger, my daily calorie intake was all booze. I found 2000 calories consisted of 20 shots or 20 lite beers, my world-renowned 20/20 diet. I was known as the alcoholic Euell Gibbons of dieting, God bless his soul.

The diet went well for a while, but suddenly mid-December I hit the dreaded diet plateau. I lost 15 lbs. and then boom, I'm stuck at 219 for 2 weeks in a row. Options are few according to Dr. Google. I could try to exercise more or eat less, neither of which I'm very fond of doing. There is only one answer to this. Figure out WWJD! No, not Jesus but Jamie. Come on people get with it. I hate having to explain stuff more than once. Old men can get cranky without goodies.

Like a Christmas miracle, a call is announced on my high-tech landline, “Ring, ring, James D Knowlton calling.”

Hot damn! God does answer heathen requests. We did not pay a lot of shekels for this phone so the message is quite garbled, “Call from jamminy kaanoton. Call from jamminy kaanoton.”

I think you’re getting the picture. This does come in handy when it says, “Call onnonone. Call onnonone.”

Translation, the caller is unknown, for those who don't have such a magnificent machine. Talking phones... who would've thought? I answered one of the unknown calls once and was instantly rewarded with a call every 10 minutes, informing me who my favorite candidate should be. I finally had to give up and unplug the phone for the rest of the day. Technology, though useful, can be extremely annoying.

I would go into detail about Jamie and my conversation, but being that we are friends it quickly slipped from borderline disgusting to just flat-out sickening. Being men, deep meaning is not mandatory, but I can release some clues. His anniversary is in the next few days so the talk quickly slipped into circus acts and of course the mandatory trapeze. That's what is called boy talk, ladies, even among the elderly. If I was still residing in Michigan the dialogue would have included some fine liquor talk. It's good to keep current on new products. Quality, not quantity, is a good policy.

WWJD’s secret to dieting success? His answer was very nonchalant, “I just counted all the calories I put in my mouth and kept it at a number where I would lose a little weight every week or so.”

If it's that simple why are there so many fat Americans?

I hate people. The ancient bastard is lying. I'm sure he made a pact with the devil since he's an atheist. Atheists never can tell the truth. He is keeping the magic elixir he got from Satan all to himself. He knows Satan and Satan calls himself BOB. I know Bob and he used to make me go to boobie bars, sing oldies, and smoke until the cows came home in the morning. If you don't believe me, ask my wife. She will vouch that Bob is the horned devil. Another piece of evidence that makes me lean (no pun intended) in this direction, when I sang, smoked, and attended these places of ill repute with Bob, I was a lot skinnier.

So WWJD is making stuff up and not cutting his little buddy in on the elixir. He is selfish. After everything I have done for him. Count calories, how stupid does he think I am? I know Satan gave him special diet drugs, which he plans to sell on the Home Shopping Network. What's worse, he will not share.

You can see the devil in his eyes! I shall achieve my weight loss by limiting my eating and exercising. I will become skinny through American know-how. No shortcuts for me, but if Bob calls, I could be willing to listen to what he has to offer. Does anyone know if boobie bars are considered essential during COVID? Just asking!