Oceanfront Home

My First Hawaii Home

You may be, but doubtfully, wondering how my book sales are going. Pretty good, not really, in fact so good we have purchased this fine home in Maui! The home came with the Madonna and a hot car! Saves on church time when the Virgin Mary is parked on your front doorstep. This oceanfront property did set us back a bit, but I’m expecting book sales to pick up.

There are very few bookstores left. In this new world of technology, I have to enter a new dimension, a virtual unknown. After you blow through friends and relatives for sales the only thing left for marketing and sales is the INTERNET. The world of senior citizens utilizing a computer equates to a world of confusion and mayhem. I call it #%@$&*$&##@#$&. Yes &$#$@+$#% Yes #$&@%+%#!!

I don’t know about you but I feel better. My daughter (also editor) occasionally uses tough love and makes me venture out on my own in this insane technical world. I'll give you just one example. I decided to advertise with Amazon (the big dog!), since they and possibly my cable company control the universe. Let the big dog eat!

My first venture of the morning was my annual call to our cable company. Why? So I can negotiate a better monthly price. They increase continually, nickel and dime their customers, until the bill is almost $300 per month. Enough is enough! After twenty minutes and reductions in service my new bill is a mere $240 per month. The young lady I was wheeling and dealing with cordially thanked me for my continued loyalty (or stupidity).

I said, "Your company should consider a lobotomy for oldsters so we won't notice price increases."

Her answer, “What is a lobotomy?”

That, my friends, was the end of our conversation until next year when my rates run over $300.

After the cable victory, my next morning venture is to advertise with Amazon. Amazingly, setting up advertising for the book is going well on the Amazon website of the sacred rulers. In fact, so well, my head is starting to swell. Anyone at my age knows my technical success will be short lived. Sure as shooting, the last step was to set up payment and the payment information will not save. You have to be kidding me!

"Bull shit!" I say. "Nothing but bull shit! Shit, shit and shit!"

Sometimes it is hard to be kind when dealing with something that’s totally baffling. As an example, cars built before 1970 are fixable by almost any Joe Blow. After the discovery of plug in car diagnostic robots, not even a mechanic can fix cars.

What did I do in this dire situation? I emailed Amazon support of course! This is the response I got back.

Dear Andrew,

1. I am sorry. (blah, blah, blah)

2. Is this a first attempt for you, dumb ass? (Arrogant bastard)

3. Andrew, please go to website and press on the hamburger icon.

Hamburger icon?! I don't see a hamburger icon anywhere on the payment setup page. Those lying Amazon sacks of you know what! At this point, my daughter has mercy and shows me the three horizontal lines in corner of the page. She informs me that the lines are known as a hamburger icon. Hell, I was looking for something that looks like a Whopper or Big Mac. It seems like the Amazon support guy could have explained this.

I press on the icon and off I go to the exact same page that would allow me to set up nothing yesterday. Damn it! So I'm back to square one, the Amazon support center. Maybe tomorrow my questions will be answered.

On the positive side, I haven’t had to put my new Maui house up for sale, yet. I will probably push the wrong internet button someday and donate everything we own to Amazon. I hate technology. Okay, I take it back. I just hate having to deal with technology but enjoy observing those poor young ladies who purchased from the tailor who made the emperor’s new clothes. I may have to look into creating a tailor shop as my next business venture. The cost of materials is non-existent.

I know it can be hard, but do be kind.